Ok well things are changing as always, life is crazy, my mood today is confused...not sure how to really talk about it, but there is lots going on upstairs...nothing that I cannot resolve myself...but I don't know, I think I am starting to feel alone, not sure why, I have great friends and family who love me very much, I think I am ready to grow up and get my life on track....the scary thing is I dont know where to start, I have an education, a degree in business and I am working at a call center..I am obsessed with the JLO song, the one, remix feat joe budden...maybe I am crazy, I dont know, I wish I could...anywho..I met this guy online and he is much younger than me and when we first talked I thought I would be able to start a relationship with someone online and have something long distant, but when we talked he kept pressuring me and our conversations were boring, he is a sweet person, but he would say lets play 20 questions and I suck at games...and if I wanted to get to know someone I would just talk to them like we were friends and we would just talk about what we did for the day, what he likes to do on his days off, if he has siblings, not stuff like what is your favorite flower...like I dont know, maybe this is romance and how guys try tp woo ladies, but I dont know. Right now I am talking to a good friend I met online from Australia, Mark...kinda talked about him before, but we are starting to get closer and that is so cool, because he is someone I would probably never meet, and chatting with him online is cool, because we are honest with each other, I am 100% confident he is not being anyone but himself. But we are kinda of in the same mood, so maybe he is my influence, he has me thinking things..One thing I can be honest about is what I want for myself...part of me has a low self -esteem issue, if you knew me, you would be shocked to hear that, because I am the one who is always cracking jokes and always having a good time, or trying too..lol...I love my life sometimes and than I think maybe I am scared to have someone love me, who might just hurt me in the end, I have had a lot off ppl in my life do that to me, my father and my grandmother's husband...not going there....too hard to talk about....but than I also think, like I know I am not the ugliest person in the world and wonder why no one is really interested in me? Maybe it is the town I am in, the good guys around here tend to me married or gay. When I go to the bars, there are some guys there, but no one I really want, or no one really coming up to talk to me, ok this is my pitty party..I think I need to give up...but I am starting to take care of myself now, I am not an anorexic girl, I am a little fluffy...or fat as sometimes I will say to myself, and maybe that is the reason, some guys just dont like plus sized girls...even my dad says stuff to me, and he is supposed to "love" me....which I am sure he does, but I would never say anything hurtful like that to my child..but I am still going to the gym, which is great, because they really motivate me, and that is what I need...so on that note, I guess u are all thinking I am nuts...I am...it is raining outside and I am listening to slow music, so I need to get myself pumped up and ready to get to the gym..sorry to say all this...but I just felt like I needed to!!